OK all of that being said I will now explain to you all of the thoughts that passed through my mind today. They may sound a bit like self pity, and maybe they are but sometimes in order to feel our feelings and get them out a bit of self pity is a good thing or at the very least OK once in a while, so here I go.
Have you ever had one of those days in which circumstances of the day seem to force you to reflect on your life? I'm sure you have..at least I tend to believe most people have, When I woke up tired and groggy from the late nights I've come to dread I thought I'd had my day all planned out (I tend to do that even though they never end up how I planned them). I knew it wasn't going to be my normal 4Th of July. I'm used to enjoying a great barbecue surrounded by family and friends, but because of the normal flow of families and their other obligations this years 4Th of July get together was canceled.
Even though I was a bit disappointed (well maybe more that a bit) I still planned what was to be a minimal celebration for my 18 year old son and myself. We would enjoy an early dinner until it was time for him to go to work and then I would later watch the fireworks display from my balcony or wherever they would be best seen from my apartment complex. Not my usual celebration as I mentioned before but nonetheless still a celebration of the most important day to our country.
Unfortunately my day wasn't to end up how I had imagined it. I did make a small early dinner for my son and I and we did enjoy that. He then went to shower and get ready for work. He was suppose to start at 7pm, but that was not to be. He got called in to work early as they had several who were sent home for one reason or another. So he hurriedly got ready for work and I dropped him off. I came back home and enjoyed the company of my online friends until it was time to go watch the fireworks. I waited and waited for dusk to come and finally I heard the start of fireworks in the distance..and not just from one location but in every direction. Well since of course my day had not gone as planned I was not surprised that although I could hear the fireworks, much to my disappointment I could barely see them over the tops of the trees. So much to my dismay I reluctantly went back to my empty apartment and watched what fireworks displays I could find on television. Not as exciting but I guess at least I got to see some.
I guess one thing I haven't mentioned was that my oldest son is away on a great week long vacation trip with his dad, his uncle and cousins for the holiday and my daughter has moved away to another state. That just added to the start of the loneliness and at least a minimal amount of depression of my day. Thus the evening of reflection. While I usually enjoy times of reflection....today..not so much. I thought about all the twists and turns my life has taken, of course none of which were planned. Two divorces, the death of my second husband to alcohol (he was my ex by then) and then finally finding my soul mate and then his sudden and unexpected death. It was devastating and not at all what I had imagined for myself.
In 2001 I decided to go to college (I hadn't had the opportunity when I was young and got married at age 18). I was so excited about my future and did very well in college winning an award and making the deans list and receiving other honors. I was even invited to take an honors class. I worked so hard and knew what I wanted to do when I completed my degree. I wanted to work in a capacity that helped forge better relationships between employers and employees and see that the employees were treated with the respect they deserve. I completed 2 associate degrees with honors and was going to be going on to receive my bachelors degree. Unfortunately before I could achieve this goal, as I said earlier I lost my soul mate unexpectedly, I lost my job and soon after that I became ill and it seemed one thing after was going wrong with my health. I won't go into details, but because of my illnesses I'm unable to work and I have no insurance so am limited on what I can do about it.
So here I am at 51 (much to early), depending on my sons to help me until some miracle happens and I can finally take care of myself again. I am so far from where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. It's not even a matter of starting over. I would have done that if I could have. I keep thinking in a normal world I could find something to do at home, but with the economy the way it is and so many people losing their jobs, It's not so easy to find something like that right now. Being dependent on my 18 year old son is to say the least depressing. I'm not one who likes to be dependant on anyone, let alone my youngest son. It breaks my heart and my spirit. And yes some days I'd just like to give up. But that's not me either so I keep going. Towards what, I have no idea at this moment.
So this is the reason for my day of reflection. Thinking about the past..the present..and the uncertainty of my future. I have no idea where I'll be next month let alone next year. I wish I could say that my reflections today gave me some answers but unfortunately they didn't. I still don't understand how my life ended up here and I certainly have no idea where it's going at this point. Maybe that revelation will come another day. I can only hope so.
OK so I got it out...not feeling better yet but maybe tomorrow..who knows. I'd also like to say that even though I allowed myself this little pity party and expressed my reflections here, I am in no way asking for or expecting pity from anyone. That wasn't the purpose of my post. It was solely a form of therapy of sorts. And yes I do know that there are so many others that have a much rougher life than I could even imagine and my heart truly goes out to each and every one of them.
So in closing I would like to thank you for listening to my thoughts and hope that you found something here that made you think also.